>>March
      2, 2001

      
Cats can't cajole Mackowiak

      
As a writer for the school newspaper,
      I feel as though I     have the power to make a difference. 

      Being somewhat in the public eye, I can, through my words, influence
      ideas and inspire action. 

      


      I usually end up using this power to get a lot of people pissed
      off at me, and today should be no exception. Why break tradition,
      right?

      


      Life is full of decisions. There are some questions that come
      with one hugely dominant answer that everybody reverts to, such
      as, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" or, "Does
      this dress make me look fat?" (The answer to both is, "I'm
      sorry, what?")

      


      There are also others that come with a myriad of choices, such
      as what type of music to listen to, or what one's favorite color
      is, or which Superbowl was the best.

      


      What's boring about this type of question is that there's no
      right or wrong answer. 

      


      Who's to say that ranch dressing is better than Italian, or 1000
      Island, or bleu cheese? I can almost guarantee that there's never
      been a food fight started because one person found another's
      taste in salad dressing different from his own. 

      


      The only possible exception would be if that person had asked
      for honey mustard. 

      


      Honey mustard dressing arrives at the table looking as if the
      waiter had just removed several nauseous puppies from the plate.

      


      My favorite topics are those that leave the person with only
      two choices to select from. 

      


      When faced with such a question, a person must weigh his/her
      options carefully, choose one or the other, and then stick with
      it. 

      


      The fun part about this is, in choosing one, he/she presumes
      that the other is wrong, and, therefore, anybody who chooses
      the other is also wrong. 

      


      This can result in a lot of arguing and flared tempers. I'm convinced
      that the Cold War is a result of having both Coke and Pepsi distributors
      at the United Nation's Building.

      


      This moves us into today's topic: Cats or dogs? There you go;
      fight amongst yourselves. I'm going to start the battle by scoring
      a few points for the dog lovers out there. 

      


      Instead of explaining why dogs are superior, I'm going to take
      a few stabs at felines, and those who prefer them.

      


      You can always tell when a person lives with a cat. You don't
      even have to visit their home. Cat owners are often big into
      recycling, which is evident in the permanent coat of discarded
      cat hair they wear. 

      They're also good at sharing. This coat can then be instantaneously
      transferred to anybody within 60 feet, and it's most common at
      lunchtime. 

      


      Another very effective method of detecting a cat lover is by
      simply having a phone conversation with him/her. 

      


      A cat feels threatened by the telephone because it diverts the
      owner's attention away from him. Not that the cat wants your
      attention anyway, but he sure can't snub you if you're on the
      phone. 

      


      So to hear something like this is quite common: "So we got
      a hold of Ted's gym shorts, and we hung 'em on the flagpole,
      and AAAAHHHH!! Son of a-! Marie! Get this OOW! Get this thing
      off my neck before I bleed to death!!"

      


      Probably the most blatant evidence of a feline presence is an
      innumerable amount of fresh, painfully deep scratches on a person.
      

      


      These are often sustained while attempting to pet a cat. Petting
      a cat is a very dangerous move; house cats are the number one
      killers of people with an IQ between 35-40. 

      


      If you know someone who has been hanging out with cats quite
      a bit, don't wait until it's too late. Be a friend; act now,
      get this person help. 

      


      Well, I hope I've accomplished my goal. I suspect that in the
      next few days, several hair-covered hospital patients being treated
      for minor flesh wounds will approach me and try to convince me
      that cats are the better pet to have.

      


      If you really want to have this conversation with me, give me
      a call. I prefer to do it over the phone. 
 

      
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