>>March
      2, 2001

      
Jazz music isn't the only culture available

      
A wonderful cultural opportunity
      passed through our fair campus last week, and I hope you all
      took a small part in it. Everybody could use a little more culture.

      


      Except me.

      


      I didn't attend any of the festival events last week. Now before
      you begin your "You need some culture, too," lecture,
      let me say this: save it for someone who is listening.

      


      Don't worry about me; I got plenty of culture this weekend. I
      went to a hockey game Saturday and it was very educational. I
      learned a new sports chant, ate some culturally diverse nachos
      and took part in the sacred Swear at the Referee ritual, which
      is strictly reserved for the Tribal Chief and anybody who can
      yell loudly.

      


      I happen to be an expert in hockey. My credentials are impeccable:
      I've seen "Strange Brew" 17 times and have been to
      Canada once. These experiences also qualify me as a professional
      consultant in beer, jelly doughnuts and the exchange rate. (Currently,
      one American dollar is worth 7.8 kilo-hectares Canadian currency.)

      


      Hockey is a rather simple game. The basic premise is to see how
      much pain one team can inflict upon the other. In order to effectuate
      this, they give the men sticks to swing around and put large
      razor blades on their shoes. Simply passing out standard- issue
      revolvers is much too easy and doesn't require a lot of athletic
      ability.

      


      The game starts with what is known as a "face-off."
      Two opposing players face each other at the center of the rink,
      sticks poised waiting for the referee to drop the puck. When
      the puck hits the ice, each player begins swinging his stick
      as wildly as possible, with the intention of taking the other
      guy's face off. (Don't let anybody ever tell you that hockey
      players aren't clever.)

      


      Another feature of hockey, one that's specifically designed to
      produce bloodshed, is the fact the rink is encased in glass.
      It's very painful to have one's head smashed into a sheet of
      glass, so it happens all the time. This is what is usually known
      as a "check," and it scores a lot of points for the
      delivering team. 

      


      However, if it is done wrong, it results in time spent in the
      "penalty box," which is a display case for naughty
      hockey players, where they sit and wait for their turn to go
      back on the ice. 

      


      For the hockey fan's viewing pleasure, the penalty box is also
      enclosed in glass, and is conveniently placed right in front
      of the opposing team's cheering section; this leads to taunting
      and swearing, which erupts into violence and arrests, which,
      in turn, results in charges filed and time spent. It is this
      process that makes a player "marketable" for the NHL.

      


      I think there is also a way to score points other than through
      vicious blows, but nobody pays attention to that part of the
      game.

      


      There is only rule in hockey: If anybody takes his gloves off
      in your presence, you must immediately punch him and continue
      punching until one or both of you hits the ice. This occurrence
      is most common between opposing players, but the same rule applies
      to your own teammates, your coach, the referees and the zamboni
      driver.

      


      All in all, I'd say that hockey is very much the cultural equivalent
      to jazz music and the social equivalent to a jailbreak. So the
      next time somebody tries to make you feel inferior because you're
      not cultured, don't let him get to you. Let him know you're just
      as cultured as he is. And just for the fun of it, check 'em into
      a brick wall.
 

      
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