UCC and Commons: the union that would save millions
By Keith Southam
Argonaut Senior Staff
Where exactly is the English Department located? I mean, most people know that the office is located in Brink Hall somewhere. But, as anyone who has ever tried to actually find this fabled land can attest, Brink is a labyrinth; finding anything in the building is impossibile. Thus, I propose: The English Department along with Mathematics and Statistics should simply relocate in the University Classroom Center for the duration of the semester, possibly the year.
To begin, let us first analyze why Brink is completely inadequate
for the academic purposes of our enlightened professors. First,
the building is a construction zone. Second, the building is
noisy because it's a construction zone. Third, at some point
during the semester, everyone will have to leave because it's
a construction zone. And fourth, we simply don't like construction
zones. So, what better place to move than the UCC? Now, I know
there are those of you who think that the UCC is merely an ugly
building that plays home to academic dungeons. But, oh, you are
sadly mistaken.
The linoleum floors and harsh brick construction is simply a
metaphor for academic strength and permanence. Think about it,
after hurricanes, nuclear holocaust, Jazz Fest, etc., the only
things left standing are those buildings intelligently made completely
of brick. Academia, too, will be around after the nuclear holocaust.
Furthermore, the UCC is not, as many people believe, simply a
sardine-like plethora of classrooms. No. The UCC is a monument
to governmental succinctness.
No other building on campus exists which allows so many classes
to be simultaneously taught. Would we rather waste our money
on useless extras like carpet and comfy chairs? No.
The Idaho Commons, in stark contrast to the UCC is nothing short
of the biggest waste of money this university has ever spent.
Seriously, who needs a building with a bookstore AND a food court?
No one. Notice the university is currently attempting to remedy
the Commons' amenity-happy ways via the UCC. On the second floor
of the Commons on the UCC side, there is a stairwell that is
simply out of place.
This is due to the fact that the stairwell reigns from the wonderful
neighbor next door, the UCC. Sure, the Commons has painted this
stairwell in an attempt to unify the space. But, we all know
the stairwell is attempting to change the Commons. I like to
think of this stairwell as a giant conjugation tube spewing UCC
DNA into the Commons. The university secretly hopes the two buildings
will mate, thus producing new buildings on campus that are millions
of dollars cheaper than expected construction costs.
One may ask how my UCC rant is related to Brink faculty moving.
Well, it is obvious. For the English faculty, at least, the UCC
could teach them a few things. Anyone who has created, submitted
and had an essay returned to him or her knows that far too much
emphasis is placed on style. "Make your paragraphs flow;
create transitions," is a common utterance in the English
composition world.
But I ask, why is this necessary? The obvious answer is that
it isn't. Note the transitions between my paragraphs there aren't
any. None.
It is as if the reaper himself hacked my paragraphs into nice,
self-contained bits. So, the UCC and its harsh would-bring-children-to-their-knees-crying
nature is the perfect tool to which essays should be compared.
An obscene number of reasons that support Brink facutly relocation
still exist. I shan't, for reasons of space, however, explore
these reasons. I now urge the entire campus to crusade for my
idea. Force those around you to see the light; they will thank
you.
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