Moscow needs a lesson in the language of love
By Katy Cannon Columnist
It has recently come to my attention that Moscow is suffering from a deplorable lack of good kissers.
Now you all may laugh and think, "Well, everyone else may
stink, but I'm fabulous." Think again.
Due to the neglect of instruction on this subject, I propose
a new class be added to the curriculum here at the University
of Idaho - Kissing 101.
The new course will be a basic beginner's class, focusing on
technique, skill and frequency.
Again, I hear a chuckle. "Beginners? Bah!" you think
to yourselves. For those of you who believe you are better than
a beginner, may I suggest Kissing 256.
The more advanced level will deal primarily with searching for
that elusive perfect kiss.
Both classes intend to use a "hands on" method and,
of course, practice, practice, practice. The supplemental lab
course is also highly recommended - Flirting 103.
It is true that there is plenty of kissing going on in Moscow
and the greater Palouse area, but it's the skill level with which
my colleagues and myself are concerned.
Due to an almost complete lack of instruction on basic kissing
technique from puberty through adulthood, I fear Americans will
fall radically behind the rest of the world, as we have in so
many other areas.
Emergency action is necessary.
Like teaching a foreign language or higher math, in order to
learn, one must jump right in and try it first hand.
Other countries begin teaching students secondary languages and
higher math at a much younger age than we do in America, and
kissing is just as important a lifetime skill. It seems only
a matter of time before the United States is known as "that
country where no one knows how to kiss."
Is this the kind of label we want for ourselves? A great number
of UI students probably regard kissing as merely a pleasant diverting
hobby, much the same as basketball or water polo. And like basketball,
in kissing, one must have an opponent (or teammate depending
on your point of view) with which to "play."
Just as sport takes practice and coaching to reap the benefits
of skill, kissing also require dedication and instruction to
acquire a good reputation.
But unlike sports, no one ever grows too old and feeble to kiss.
This lifetime skill, therefore, seems far more important than
sports and should be given its fair share of class time.
So grab a partner and get into the class before it's too late.
Not only do the youth of Idaho need instruction, but adults could
use a little skill sharpening as well.
Kissing 101 will be open to the general public. I fear, though,
that this gem of a class will come too late.
Already puckerers and slobberers run wild in our streets and
at our parties. Drastic action is necessary. Enroll.
For the good of yourselves and your country, sign up for lessons
today.
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